Starter Wife even has a definition in urbandictionary.com :
A man’s first wife that (usually) marries out of love and helps him achieve wealth, power, etc., but is then promptly discarded upon reaching said goal for a younger more attractive woman. Can sometimes result in the starter wife getting half.
Does that make it a “real” thing, or is it just a label slapped on a common occurrence?
Are all first wives in actuality, Starter Wives? Is that just the natural evolution of a man that they need to go through this?
Well, according to the Huffington Post, divorce is just the Natural Order of Things. To be fair, a reader commented to the author that he believed it was a natural flow, not the Huff Post itself. He believes that the mother of your children didn’t need to be the love of your life. And that may be true-for those that have children out of wedlock.
But the woman you marry(who ends up the mother of your children) should be the love of your life. Otherwise, why marry her in the first place?
The reader stated that:
Our first mate is usually a good mother, she cooks and cleans and is maternal. Once those things are no longer in demand (the kids are grown) we move on to search for a mate who has other traits we desire. Younger, hotter, more sexually open perhaps… usually someone who doesn’t challenge us as much.
First of all, why would you want someone that doesn’t “challenge you as much”? Are you that insecure with your intelligence that you can’t handle a woman that can match you? That just shows what a complete lack of respect for women this guy has. How does someone go around looking for a “stupid” woman? How do you feel ok about yourself as a human when one of your qualifications is that the woman not be smart? Try telling another human that and see if they don’t think you’re a complete dick.
But, my main issue with his statement is that they guy says that the maternal traits are “no longer in demand (the kids are grown).” I honestly believe what he meant was, the maternal traits are being used on the kids and no longer on me.
I think the real issue is that men (some men, not all men to be fair) marry their first wife-someone they know to have maternal traits-as a transition person between being cared for by their mother and being an adult.
They still wish to have someone take care of them and mother them, but they know they are too old to have their actual mother do it. So they marry a transition woman-aka Starter Wife.
Her job(although she doesn’t know it) is to help him move from being cared for by mommy to being able to care for himself. In the first couple years of marriage, Wifey takes care of the household, just as Mommy did and man gets to do what his father did-go to work, golf and drink with his buddies, and come home to a clean house and hot meal.
Then they have kids and reality sets in for Dear Husband. They are no longer the center of their wife’s attention. All that mothering is going to someone else. They have to quit being mothered cold turkey. They go into shock, get through the withdrawal, and then realize, they are on their own.
Once Dear Husband figures out he can make it on his own, he leaves. He has gotten through transition time and realizes that he wants a woman he can impress and show off for. Not the woman that he used to rely on and have take care of him.
He wants to flaunt his peacock feathers and get the attention he is craving, but not getting as his current wife is busy taking care of house and children.
So, divorce ensues, and along comes the Trophy Wife.
I will flat out admit-this is NOT all guys. But I will say, I consider myself a Starter Wife and I feel that the definition exactly happened to me: helps him achieve wealth, power, etc., but is then promptly discarded upon reaching said goal.
It may not have been wealth and power, but I firmly believe I was used to help my ex achieve his goals for him to leave for another woman. While there are several other issues that ultimately led to my divorce, this is one huge cause.
But the ultimate question is: Are all first wives doomed to end up a Starter Wife? Should women just wait to marry a man until they are his second wife to ensure a they will be “the one that sticks”?
I may be a Starter Wife, but I also know that someday I will someone else’s Trophy too-whether I am his first wife or second. While it sucks to be labeled, one of the advantages of being a Starter, is that you’ve been through it before. You know what you want, what to avoid, and how to make marriage better the second time around.
If a man wants someone that babies them, doesn’t challenge them, and is fooled by the peacock feathers, then they’re not the man for me anyway.
And if being a Starter Wife means I get to look like Debra Messing, well, that’s an advantage too!